Slowly Slowly

We are making some progress. I feel like I haven't yelled anywhere near as much as I had been. The house is staying somewhat tidy and the kids are doing surprisingly well at keeping their own spaces tidy and getting dressed and organised.

The hour after school allowing them to choose what to do seems to be a positive thing. They remember when their day is and often negotiate with each other to try and accommodate the wants of the other too.

They have finished school for the year now, so the next few weeks will be a challenge. With them being together 24/7 they often find things to fight and bicker over.

Progress Report

The last few weeks have been far from perfect, but, I think they have been better. 

I'm making a conscious choice to not engage in arguments. I make my request and let natural consequence prevail. We have had lost toys, missing shoes and half dressed children racing to the car as I back out if the driveway. 

Thursdays seem to be particularly trying. They can't seem to even make it into the car before the fighting begins. I'm not sure what the solution is. Last week in a moment of either immense genius or immaturity, I just turned the radio up loud enough that I couldn't hear them shouting at each other. It resulted in fits of giggles from them once they realised what was happening. 

I've only smacked Xavier once since my personal pledge to change, which while being once too much, it's a LOT less than was happening. 

As December begins, I hope I can remain cool, calm and collected. It's a busy time with lots happening. I want to make Christmas a time of love, family and joy. I want to begin, continue and create traditions that 30 years from now we will still be doing with my grandchildren. 

One day at a time - take 3.

So, here I am at take 3 of this. I'm not even going to make excuses, or promises, it simply is what it is. 

I'm back at work, the kids are growing, starting school, kinder, and we have been spoilt with so many moments of amazing. Perhaps in time I will reflect on these in order to have the memory recorded. 

But for now, there has to be another focus. 

There have also been moments of complete desperation and rage. Xavier continues to push buttons I didn't know I had as we navigate how this relationship of ours is going to go. He has cried, I have cried. It has been desperate and scary and exhausting. 

Stella continues to be a joy in my universe. She undeniably has her moments, but they are short lived and even while melting down with rage, she still manages to sob 'I love you mummy but I'm just really cross at you right now'. She is, without a doubt, my absolute favourite person in the entire world. 

The reasons for a renewed attempt at blogging are varied. But the real push came from a beautiful new friend as I lamented about how much I'm struggling with Xavier's behaviour, my genuine desire to accept the role I play in it (mainly in how I react to him) and my desire to change and really, truly, deeply like my son again. 

Now don't be mistaken, I adore my kids. But I'm not too proud to admit I don't always like them. They whinge, and fight, and intentionally hurt each other. This is the hardest bit, seeing that look in their eyes as they punch or bite or pinch. They know it hurts, and they want nothing more in that moment than to hurt. It breaks my heart. 

I know in my heart that I'm a 'good enough' mother. My kids are fed, and have clean clothes, they are spoilt for choice with extra curricular activities, they have a stable home with parents who love each other and an extended family who are interested and involved in their world. But...they also have a mother who yells so much more than she would like to, who on occasion swears at them during said yelling, and who smacks despite that never ever in a million years being part of my planned parenting tool kit. 

They are children. Granted they are bright, articulate children who talk back and say some of the most hurtful things to me, but, I am the parent. I cannot control them or their behaviour. I can only control my own. And so, that is what I'm going to do. I am going to make a very conscious effort to change MY behaviour. 

So here are my observations to date; 

- When the house is chaotic, my brain is chaotic. When this happens I feel overwhelmed and stressed. I'm on edge and my patience is short. 

- When I'm feeling chaotic I disengage. From my husband, from my kids, from myself. I find reasons to go out. I stay up late to be alone. I create things I must do to avoid doing what I need to do. 

- Being back at work has benefits as well and sacrifices. I enjoy being something other than 'mum', the extra money is great. But we are often rushed. We need to get places on time, which can be tricky if small people want to argue about shoes or bags or show and tell. 

And here is my plan; 

- I'm going to try to do a quick tidy before going to bed, half hour of power. 

- The kids will tidy their own rooms and I have bought wardrobe organizers to have daily uniforms ready to go. 

- I am going to try my absolute best to not smack or yell. I'm expecting to slip up, but won't beat myself up, but apologise and try again. 

- On the 2 days I collect the kids from school, they will each get a day to choose what we do for an hour after school. This is about more than giving them ownership of a decision, but rather quality time together. 

- I'm going to create posters, charts, etc in the house to remind us all. Also to encourage the kids to be responsible for themselves in the hope of less yelling/rushing in the morning.  

- I'm going to read, talk, attend sessions, to help build my toolkit. 

This is me giving myself a kick up the backside. My son deserves for me to light up when I see him the way I do when I see my daughter. I should not have a favourite child. I should love and like them both equally. 

This next phase is going to be real, and tough, and harsh. I've got to be honest and write this how it is, right now, this moment. It's not going to be pretty at times. But I hope, beyond all hope, that on the other side of these dark weeks and months there will be sunshine and rainbows. 

14th June 2011

Xavier is 3 years, 8 months and 4 days old.

Stella is 2 years, 4 months and 2 days old.

Today while getting dressed I suggested to Xavier that perhaps when he is 4 he might like to start getting dressed by himself, as I figure its something he should be able to do, surely I'm not going to have help him dress for years to come? Anyway, that conversation very quickly led to the following exchange;

X: When I'm a grown up and dress myself, I will sleep in the big bed with you and Daddy, wont I?
M: Umm, no, you will still sleep in your bed. But when you are a grown up you can get yourself a big bed of your own.
X: But who will sleep in my big bed with me?
M: Well, maybe one day you will get married and the person you marry will sleep with you in your big bed.
Xavier ponders this for a moment.
M: Do you think you might marry a girl or a boy? (just interested in the answer)
X: Oh a girl. I'll marry a girl and we will sleep in my big bed and probably have some babies too.
M: Wow, that's great. How many babies do you think you and your wife might have?
X: I think 2 girl babies would be good.
M: Oh OK, 2 girl babies would be nice, what about boys, don't you want any boy babies?
X: Oh yes, i think we will have 3 boy babies too. Yes, 2 girl babies then 3 boy babies.
M: Wow, that's a lot of babies mate.
X: Yep, 2 girl babies and 3 boy babies, that's 5 babies altogether.
M: Sure is mate. Well I'm going to be a very busy nanna then aren't i?
X: Yes you will, and I'll be a busy daddy.

Oh bless him...

Later on I asked if he thought Stella might get married and have babies too. He said that he was sure that Stella would get married (to a boy it seems) and have 3 girls babies then 2 boy babies. Jeepers, if this kid is right, Im going to be a really busy nanna in my old age.

A later discussion with Stella revealed that she in fact only plans on having 2 girl babies and 'thats enough'

This has to be written down to refer back on one day in my old age, to see how many grandchildren I do in fact end up with.

And can I also note that Xavier's ability to 'know/work out/add' that 2 babies plus 3 babies = 5 babies absolutely blows me away. Just like counting and his ABC's I quite seriously have NO IDEA where this kid learns these things...

10th June 2011

Xavier is 3 years and 8 months old.

Stella is 2 years, 3 months, 4 weeks and 1 day old.

Today, sitting at the bench getting lunch ready, Stella was playing with the dummy I had taken from her at breakfast (she only has a dummy in bed). As I helped her down from the stool i asked if we should just throw her dummy in the rubbish bin, she promptly shoved it down her top, looked me in the eye and said "Don't you DARE!"

me thinks, someone isn't quite ready to relinquish the dummy just yet.

6th June 2011

Xavier is 3 years, 7 months, 3 weeks and 6 days old.

Stella is 2 years, 3 months, 3 weeks and 4 days old.

Mummy: Xavier please don't lick the cat.
Xavier: But she licked me first.
Mummy: Yes, but don't lick her back, and try not to let her lick you again, she licks her bum you know?
Xavier: *screws up face*
Mummy: You wouldn't lick her bum would you?
Xavier: Maaaayyybeeeee.... *giggle* no that would be gross, she poos out her bum.

hmm but licking the cat's face is still somehow ok...

1st June 2011

Xavier is 3 years, 7 months, 3 weeks and 1 day old.

Stella is 2 years, 3 months, 2 weeks and 6 days old.

Yesterday while I was getting dressed Stella announces, "boobies! They are my favourite colour."
ummm ok.


This morning, Xavier snuck into bed with me not long after Adam left for work, he snuggled for a while, then once I woke more we had a little chat about the days plans. He then began this crazy face pulling contest... it ended in fits of giggle and Xavier declaring, "mummy, you're nuts."