Slowly Slowly

We are making some progress. I feel like I haven't yelled anywhere near as much as I had been. The house is staying somewhat tidy and the kids are doing surprisingly well at keeping their own spaces tidy and getting dressed and organised.

The hour after school allowing them to choose what to do seems to be a positive thing. They remember when their day is and often negotiate with each other to try and accommodate the wants of the other too.

They have finished school for the year now, so the next few weeks will be a challenge. With them being together 24/7 they often find things to fight and bicker over.

Progress Report

The last few weeks have been far from perfect, but, I think they have been better. 

I'm making a conscious choice to not engage in arguments. I make my request and let natural consequence prevail. We have had lost toys, missing shoes and half dressed children racing to the car as I back out if the driveway. 

Thursdays seem to be particularly trying. They can't seem to even make it into the car before the fighting begins. I'm not sure what the solution is. Last week in a moment of either immense genius or immaturity, I just turned the radio up loud enough that I couldn't hear them shouting at each other. It resulted in fits of giggles from them once they realised what was happening. 

I've only smacked Xavier once since my personal pledge to change, which while being once too much, it's a LOT less than was happening. 

As December begins, I hope I can remain cool, calm and collected. It's a busy time with lots happening. I want to make Christmas a time of love, family and joy. I want to begin, continue and create traditions that 30 years from now we will still be doing with my grandchildren. 

One day at a time - take 3.

So, here I am at take 3 of this. I'm not even going to make excuses, or promises, it simply is what it is. 

I'm back at work, the kids are growing, starting school, kinder, and we have been spoilt with so many moments of amazing. Perhaps in time I will reflect on these in order to have the memory recorded. 

But for now, there has to be another focus. 

There have also been moments of complete desperation and rage. Xavier continues to push buttons I didn't know I had as we navigate how this relationship of ours is going to go. He has cried, I have cried. It has been desperate and scary and exhausting. 

Stella continues to be a joy in my universe. She undeniably has her moments, but they are short lived and even while melting down with rage, she still manages to sob 'I love you mummy but I'm just really cross at you right now'. She is, without a doubt, my absolute favourite person in the entire world. 

The reasons for a renewed attempt at blogging are varied. But the real push came from a beautiful new friend as I lamented about how much I'm struggling with Xavier's behaviour, my genuine desire to accept the role I play in it (mainly in how I react to him) and my desire to change and really, truly, deeply like my son again. 

Now don't be mistaken, I adore my kids. But I'm not too proud to admit I don't always like them. They whinge, and fight, and intentionally hurt each other. This is the hardest bit, seeing that look in their eyes as they punch or bite or pinch. They know it hurts, and they want nothing more in that moment than to hurt. It breaks my heart. 

I know in my heart that I'm a 'good enough' mother. My kids are fed, and have clean clothes, they are spoilt for choice with extra curricular activities, they have a stable home with parents who love each other and an extended family who are interested and involved in their world. But...they also have a mother who yells so much more than she would like to, who on occasion swears at them during said yelling, and who smacks despite that never ever in a million years being part of my planned parenting tool kit. 

They are children. Granted they are bright, articulate children who talk back and say some of the most hurtful things to me, but, I am the parent. I cannot control them or their behaviour. I can only control my own. And so, that is what I'm going to do. I am going to make a very conscious effort to change MY behaviour. 

So here are my observations to date; 

- When the house is chaotic, my brain is chaotic. When this happens I feel overwhelmed and stressed. I'm on edge and my patience is short. 

- When I'm feeling chaotic I disengage. From my husband, from my kids, from myself. I find reasons to go out. I stay up late to be alone. I create things I must do to avoid doing what I need to do. 

- Being back at work has benefits as well and sacrifices. I enjoy being something other than 'mum', the extra money is great. But we are often rushed. We need to get places on time, which can be tricky if small people want to argue about shoes or bags or show and tell. 

And here is my plan; 

- I'm going to try to do a quick tidy before going to bed, half hour of power. 

- The kids will tidy their own rooms and I have bought wardrobe organizers to have daily uniforms ready to go. 

- I am going to try my absolute best to not smack or yell. I'm expecting to slip up, but won't beat myself up, but apologise and try again. 

- On the 2 days I collect the kids from school, they will each get a day to choose what we do for an hour after school. This is about more than giving them ownership of a decision, but rather quality time together. 

- I'm going to create posters, charts, etc in the house to remind us all. Also to encourage the kids to be responsible for themselves in the hope of less yelling/rushing in the morning.  

- I'm going to read, talk, attend sessions, to help build my toolkit. 

This is me giving myself a kick up the backside. My son deserves for me to light up when I see him the way I do when I see my daughter. I should not have a favourite child. I should love and like them both equally. 

This next phase is going to be real, and tough, and harsh. I've got to be honest and write this how it is, right now, this moment. It's not going to be pretty at times. But I hope, beyond all hope, that on the other side of these dark weeks and months there will be sunshine and rainbows.